Breaking: 96% of Penn Undergrads Now Under the Devil's Sway

Last Wednesday, the Penn administration was proud to announce that 96% of the undergraduate student body is now under the devil’s sway. The Satanic Cult that serves as the puppet master of this school’s administration did not respond to a request for comment, but threatening bloodstains did appear on the door of the UTB office.

Although students were initially wary of this forced conversion to Satanism, the student body was surprisingly largely receptive to the policy decision. “I was never a very religious person before,” explains Abigail Amos, “but now that I’m expected to commit a blood sacrifice to Beelzebub beneath each full month, I’ve really warmed up to the idea. I’ve met some really great new friends while celebrating the Black Sabbath — religion really has a way of bringing people together.”

Not every student’s experience with the University’s cult was so positive, however. Dorothy Wallace reports that her already-busy schedule simply cannot handle the time demands of Satanism. “I get that the University is trying to create a community that isn’t so focused on pre-professionalism, but I honestly don’t think Satanism is the way to go.” 

Abraham Matthews, best known to the Penn student body as the preacher who heckles students as they walk along Locust Walk, was also not pleased with the university’s latest initiative. “Before this new policy everyone on this campus was a HOMO and an INFIDEL, but, now that everyone’s a SATANIST, hoo boy you’ve all really got it coming.” 

Using an Ouija board and the sacrifice of 66 virgin lambs, UTB was able to get in contact with the head honcho himself. “You know, it’s very difficult to get converts these days,” explains Satan. “But I’m honestly pleased with how widely received my gospel’s been on campus. Like, sure, maybe the majority of the student population was forcibly converted, but really you gotta start somewhere.”

As of the writing of this article, the remaining four percent of the student body who have not converted have mysteriously disappeared, although McClelland dining staff have announced that the dining hall will be hosting a taco week thanks to a recent large shipment of beef products.